Rule: Stop before the Comments

In online media sites, it is often wise to stop at the comments. In some cases, the comments can be quite engaging and add to the content.

Today, I was angry about an article in the Indiana Daily Student (I did my undergrad/grad work at IU) which profiled a van-wilder type party dude and proceeded to explain him sexually assaulting two women during a pudding wrestling contest. Here’s an excerpt:

Kaelan announces the only rule, the same rule they had last year: The first girl to get the other’s top off wins. They stare at each other open-mouthed, laughing in shock.

“Or if you make out or have sex, you both win,” Kaelan jokes.

Even though they know the rule, the girls stay in. They gingerly start trying to pull each other down, but they never attempt to de-clothe one another. The crowd gets bored, so the two get out to pull in Kaelan. He obliges, and steps in the pool with them.

All three of them stand there for a second, and Kaelan looks around at the crowd like he isn’t sure what to do. Then in one sudden motion, he reaches out and claws at both girls’ tops, exposing them for a split-second before they recover. The crowd erupts.

One of the girls immediately leaves, but the other stays in with him for a few more minutes. Kaelan makes a few slow attempts at her bathing suit again to please the onlookers, but she sits down and covers up every time. He finally succeeds in pulling her top off all the way to end the fight, throwing it toward the people. She gives up and walks away, with her hands over her breasts. Kaelan collapses against the side of the pool, arms thrown over the sides, smiling.

See why I find this problematic? Besides Kaelen being a complete “class act” (sarcasm here), he continues to expose the woman’s breasts, despite her continuing to cover herself. From my lens, she did not consent to this.

(I also have a slight issue with the reporter using the world “girls” in this story instead of calling them women, but that’s smaller fish.)

It’s the comments that really had me getting angry.  I was relieved to see that the first post drew attention to the consent issue – but the comments defending this character were so frustrating. Here are a few of my “favorites.”

“New Rule: If you sign up (let alone show up) for a pudding wrestling event at Indiana University, an institution nationally known for its wild girls and crazy party reputation, during little five week… you are “consenting” to being minutely exposed and coincidently embarrassed. ….I’m simply saying—these girls knew what they were getting into and if they didn’t—that’s their own fault. Being naïve is not a surmountable excuse.” Consent can be revoked at anytime. People continue to fail to understand this. Also, don’t tie this to IU – the institution has NOTHING to do with bullshit debauchery and  to imply that it is school sanctioned is completely wrong.

“And as far as the IDS reporter standing “idly by”… Lauren. How dare you? As an IDS reporter don’t you know that it is your duty to intervene when you’re covering pudding wrestling and a girls top comes off? I mean, damn. The least you could have done was put your notebook in front of her exposed boobs while dodging objects fiercely thrown at you by the angered audience. Or you could have tried to take down Kaelen, although he does have a few pounds on you… If you didn’t pick up on the sarcasm in this last paragraph… just give up now.” The statement “while dodging objects fiercely thrown at you by the angered audience” is just awful – and implies that the mob mentality makes this situation Okay and acceptable – and creates an environment where it is just that much more difficult for someone to step in and stop incidents of oppression.

There are many things about this whole thing that have left me frustrated and my heart sad:

1. That there is so much work to do in our rape culture – in our world where (some) people continue to think that they can do what they want to someone else’s body.
2. That this comes from IU. Yes, no school is perfect – but I hate seeing my alma mater represented as such.
3. That inevitably, people are going to see this as “not a big deal” or a part of that gray area (“Is it really sexual assault?”) and that these small little things happen everyday without anyone caring or noticing.

YOU MUST HAVE ONE GRAND PASSION

I absolutely love Jenny Holzer’s truisms. I discovered them via poster in the background of a scene in Helvetica – and I’ve been a fan ever since.

When I run out of juice for this blog (but not out of writing juice), I’m going to share some thoughts on a truism. Here’s the first in the series.

The Grand Canyon. Fill it up with your passion.

Last week, one of my students left me a fantastic surprise in my mailbox.

The note said “for encouraging us to follow our red rubber ball” and behind the wrapping paper was a fantastic book. Besides being touched by her kind gesture, I was incredibly moved by the message of the book itself.

It’s not a Nobel-winning novel or anything – in a lot of ways, it is your standard motivational “follow your dreams” message.  But this really resonated with me as I thought of my Grand Passion and the people in my life who have encouraged me to follow it.

My Grand Passion is about bodies and ownership and empowerment.  I don’t know how to phrase it succinctly or lyrically – but I know my passion when I feel it. I want to change this rape culture. I want to give people the knowledge they need to make healthy decisions about their sexuality. I want everyone to live in a world where they can love who they love. I want people to own their bodies and their bodies alone – which in practice would hopefully mean an end to rape, childhood genital mutilation (male and female) and “corrective” surgery on intersex infants and children.  I want everyone to have the confidence they need to feel comfortable in their skin and love their body (and the things it can do).  These are all things that make my heart beat and move me to action.

Grand Passion is such a powerful truism.  Without a Grand Passion, how does our life have direction? How do we know where to bounce our rubber ball?

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I just discovered another great blog with some great social justice content -Angry Asian Man.  I’m sure I’m late to the party on this one, but for some reason it wasn’t one I’d stumbled across yet.  I’m always on the lookout for blogs that post some good identity focused content.  If you find others you think I might like, feel free to send them my way!

On reading again:

Many, many years ago, I was all about the books. I devoured them.

Somewhere along the way, that changed. For lots of reasons, all of which boil down to excuses. Eventually, I took up knitting and my inner perfectionist loved that craft. It was a hobby I could (and did) master – all while being social. A good fit for a stressed out college student who’s recreational reading was all sorts of internet rabbit holes.

Anyway… I’ve rediscovered my love of books and reading.

My theory was that in college, I needed the mindless distraction (knitting) and now that I work (largely, an easy-ish job), I need the mindful distraction. In the past 8 months, I have not finished a single knitted anything (gasp!) and I’ve bought about 4 balls of yarn, if even. In contrast, I’ve bought about 20 books in as many months.

My brain wants to flex its muscles – everything I’ve been wanting to read is non-fiction – books on the brain, feminism, sexuality, happiness, and education.

This all was sparked by a book I picked up on a whim – Jane Sexes it Up (scandalous title, I know). It reminded me of the books I would have read in my undergrad program (I studied Human Sexuality).  It was a great collection of essays by a variety of women, writing about feminism and sexuality and the intersection of it all. If you’re interested in more of what I thought of the book, you can read my review on Amazon here.

And now I’ve gone a little overboard with the books that are on my “to read” list. Eep.  Maybe eventually I’ll sign up for an online library management tool/thingy to keep track of everything.  Because god knows I don’t have enough websites to keep track of.

P.S. – Feel free to send some recommendations my way – but tell me a little about the book in question, why you’re recommending it and why you think I’ll like it.

You’re Much Alike

Have you seen this video yet?

Transcript:

(little boy) Husband’s a boy?
A wife is a boy, a husband is a boy?
Then you two are husbands!
Wives are girls, husbands are boys.
(camera guy) Right, right. So if you’re a boy…
(little boy) You’ll be husband.
(camera guy) right, yea, we’re both husbands.
(little boy) You’re both husbands? You married each other!?!
That’s funny.
(camera guy) that’s funny, right?
(little boy) Yea. I always see husbands and wives, but this is VERY FIRST TIME I saw husbands and husbands. (laughter from behind the camera)
(little boy continues) That’s so funny.
SO THAT MEANS YOU LOVE EACH OTHER!?!
(camera guy) Yea.
(little boy) yea.
They’re much alike. They’re much alike.
Hey, I’m going to play ping pong now.
(camera guy) ok.
(little boy) You can play if you want to.

I love the simplicity of this statement. Once this little boy figures out the terms, relative to what he’s used to, he makes the cognitive connections to his existing knowledge and figures out the important stuff: “SO THAT MEANS YOU LOVE EACH OTHER!?!” He says it with such emphasis – like an epiphany that suddenly clarified his world.

It’s easy to say something like “I wish grown ups could get this. It’s so simple, even a child understands.”  But for adults who don’t really understand gay marriage (or even just gay relationships for that matter) – they have much more complicated cognitive frameworks.  Their brains are full of memories (conscious or unconscious) about social norms, religious morals, negative media portrayals and inherited homophobia. For some people the cognitive dissonance is too much for the concept of gay marriage to sit comfortably – and so they reject the notion outright at any given moment.  It’s important to realize however – that repeated incidents of cognitive dissonance can build to a person taking critical stock of their thoughts/values/emotions relative to the issue – and possibly light a spark for change.